Thursday, February 22, 2007
been some days since i blogged. just recently, realised something. dunno whether its gd or bad. even when im holding someone else in my arms, doing something intimate, during the process, nothing comes out of my mind but her. not the one in my arms, but the one whom ive once loved deeply. ever since, ive lost all interest in other girls. totally not interested in this thing called sex. im even turned off by it.
why? everyone is like saying, this is a man's nature. so wad? a man's nature could still be curbed. just like me. i aint an angel. im also a man. or a growing man at least. but still, end of the day, i could not do it. no love, no sex. i can be talking cock with the gang and say i wanna find a f*** buddy. but nv a moment was real. was jus a talking cock session.
now i finally realise, why some ppl find it disgusting to haf sex with someone they dont love. to do it in the 1st place alr requires hell lots of courage, lots of overcoming to be done. it can be a very tempting thing to do, but only when the girl is the one i love.
ive really been hurt alot. too many times. that i can only choose to avoid. to avoid seeing her. to avoid hanging out with frens that know her. becos to me, its no longer abt pursueing wad i wan. but its abt knowing that she is happy and i get on with my life well. i no longer wan pain. becos pain drives me nuts. when i look back, and i look at now, i realise im so happy with the poly frens im hanging ard with. much more happier than when im with the bg gang i used to hang out with. anyone could see it. i was suffocated and i chose to be suffocated. all becos of the word love. that is why love is blind. how true. i dont blame her. its a fact that our r/s could only stay as more than gd frens but not yet lovers. perhaps its fate. ive always think that in life, its a decision, a choice that decides ur destiny. but afterall, this thing has proven to me that, fate plays a small part in life. or at least a small part. 100% accuracy. spot on.
perhaps i was wrong to continue holding onto something which i hate to admit. letting go is no easy feat. but alas, ive done it. again. i did not let her go when she patched with her ex bf. but now i realise i finally did so. to stop those days we played mahjong tgt, we held hands and went out tgt, we worked tgt, went to my family gatherings tgt, smoked tgt, talked on the fone tgt, drank tgt, listened to music tgt, meet my frens tgt, sing ur fav songs for u, all these, when it became part of my life, to stop it, its almost an impossible task. or shld i say its practically impossible. till today, i sing ur fav songs to myself, telling myself ure happy. as always. and u've someone by ur side who'll take care of u now.
moving on, bit by bit, those times we spent tgt, it has all become a beautiful memory of mine. a memory that i'll nv 4get. and i'll use these memories, to accompany me thru a journey that seems so hard, so dark for me.
nevertheless, thanks for the memories u've given me. i remb telling u that i'll nv leave u even though we can only be frens. but i haf to apologise that i've failed to do so. becos i realise, the kind of life we used to haf, doesnt suit me at all. i was all along giving in, nv receiving. u taught me that a person shld give without expecting any returns. but to me, returning means a show of appreciation. it can be a very small thing like buying me a drink. which is why all along, i could not agree with not expecting any returns. thats not to say im expecting returns each time i do smth, but a simple smile on the face, could also be the return. this is smth we can nv agree with each other, and yes, parallel lines don meet.
a life so simple, thats all i've got. ive got not enough interested stuffs in life to giv u. its an interesting, exciting life that u haf. but i only got a boring life. a life that does the same thing again and again.
ahhhh. feeling so fresh now. getting things out of my chest. things that has bothered me. its just the right time that i got this urge to think things thru and spill everything out. a gd timing. becos liverpool's crunch match against barce is gonna start soon!
ha. gonna go out to watch the game. sadly, my hse got no scv....... alright. here i am, yet again, wishing u all the best. silently, in my heart, everynite, i'll do it. becos u were once part of my life, my everything. and i'd be lying if i say now, ure totally nothing to me. but knowing that ure happy, is the best return for me in letting go of everything we once shared.
nites to all. may pool win! cheers! happy new year to all! =D
I failed. 2:34 AM
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Wednesday, February 07, 2007
watched the 2nd leg final of Singapore vs Thailand on chn 5. an exciting match with both sides searching for the goal they needed. but Thailand has been on the attack for almost all the while in the match. they got the equaliser in the 1st half and many would haf thought that singapore would lose out becos the way the Thais come back at us, and with singapore kept busy in their own half, its highly possible that singapore would haf conceded another goal after Thonkanya put Thais 1-0 ahead in the match and 2-2 on aggregate. but the introduction of khairul amri (cheers!) did put singapore on the attack on a few occasions. and oh well, he scored at the 81st minute to giv singapore a 3-2 aggregate lead. he was charging towards the Thai goals and the 2 central defenders backed off him. perhaps thinking that he might slip a pass to alam shah, who was named MVP and top scorer of the tournament. instead khairul amri, produced an unstoppable shot towards the left corner of the keeper and the crowd in the stadium went silent. only the less than 100 singapore crowd was cheering for that goal. singapore hang on well for the win and it was a very nice feeling to haf seen singapore win the final over 2 legs. 1st in the stadium, and 2nd on tv.
went to town on mon, bought a tie. wahaha. u must be thinking why i buy a tie, to change myself of cos. woot! look out for me during CNY. =D
I failed. 10:56 AM
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Friday, February 02, 2007
was at the National Stadium to witness the Singapore vs Thailand match on wed. was with alan, dan, junjie(sp), bernice, boon, alicia and her fren. shouted till my voice went coarse after the game but it got better the next day.
kinda a boring 1st half from a soccer point of view cos there were more fouls than actions. its as though u could sense a fight coming from both sides of players as tackles flew in from either sides. and the 1st injury scene was as early as the kick off where a thai player kicked the ball back and our National squad's top scorer alam shah pressured him from behind and he fell. he laid there for a few secs b4 getting up again. this spark a furious reaction from the fans seated around us and i went along with all the singapore fans to shout at the thai player. little actions from the 1st half apart from alam shah's goal. singaporeans celebrated with our traditional kallang wave and its real fun to be part of it. just b4 the wave reaches our section, we'd all go stamping our foot against the ground and when the wave comes to us, we'd jus stand and go 'wohhhh'. haha.
2nd half was a tight affair as the thais came strongly back at us and they got their equaliser after singapore was caught napping for practically the 1st time in the game. after the goal, the thais came even stronger at us and fears were in all singaporeans. cant help but feel that the thais could even get the 2nd goal they needed. but alas, the score stayed at 1-1 until the 83rd min(as reported), singapore was awarded a controversial penalty. the thais walked out of the game, and as expected, all fans booed them including me =x. though we cant see clearly if its a foul, but fans around us feel that khairul amri's incident minutes earlier shld haf been a penalty. that was a real clear cut foul but somehow the referee turned a blind eye to it. wth man. we booed and booed and after 15mins, the thais came back on the field. there were mixed reactions as some fans booed, while some fans applauded. mustafic fahruddin stepped up for the awarded penalty. silence fell around us, all eyes on mustafic (jersey no.15). GOAL! National Stadium erupted once again. i could see everyone jumping for joy when the ball hit the back of the net. and in injury time, we could haf seen another eruption but only for khairul amri to glide his header wide.
final whistle blown, and u could see the singaporeans celebrating. cheers to the home team were loud.
its been 2 years since i was at the National Stadium watching a soccer match. the last time i went, it was Singapore vs Indonesia. kinda miss those feelings right now. becos soccer, is the only thing now, that could make me 4get abt everything. its just shouting, watching the game and celebrating if Singapore scores. pure enjoyment. no worries, no things to think abt. and that's when im happiest.
now, it's my usual routine yet again. bb.
I failed. 8:28 PM
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