Thursday, February 22, 2007
been some days since i blogged. just recently, realised something. dunno whether its gd or bad. even when im holding someone else in my arms, doing something intimate, during the process, nothing comes out of my mind but her. not the one in my arms, but the one whom ive once loved deeply. ever since, ive lost all interest in other girls. totally not interested in this thing called sex. im even turned off by it.
why? everyone is like saying, this is a man's nature. so wad? a man's nature could still be curbed. just like me. i aint an angel. im also a man. or a growing man at least. but still, end of the day, i could not do it. no love, no sex. i can be talking cock with the gang and say i wanna find a f*** buddy. but nv a moment was real. was jus a talking cock session.
now i finally realise, why some ppl find it disgusting to haf sex with someone they dont love. to do it in the 1st place alr requires hell lots of courage, lots of overcoming to be done. it can be a very tempting thing to do, but only when the girl is the one i love.
ive really been hurt alot. too many times. that i can only choose to avoid. to avoid seeing her. to avoid hanging out with frens that know her. becos to me, its no longer abt pursueing wad i wan. but its abt knowing that she is happy and i get on with my life well. i no longer wan pain. becos pain drives me nuts. when i look back, and i look at now, i realise im so happy with the poly frens im hanging ard with. much more happier than when im with the bg gang i used to hang out with. anyone could see it. i was suffocated and i chose to be suffocated. all becos of the word love. that is why love is blind. how true. i dont blame her. its a fact that our r/s could only stay as more than gd frens but not yet lovers. perhaps its fate. ive always think that in life, its a decision, a choice that decides ur destiny. but afterall, this thing has proven to me that, fate plays a small part in life. or at least a small part. 100% accuracy. spot on.
perhaps i was wrong to continue holding onto something which i hate to admit. letting go is no easy feat. but alas, ive done it. again. i did not let her go when she patched with her ex bf. but now i realise i finally did so. to stop those days we played mahjong tgt, we held hands and went out tgt, we worked tgt, went to my family gatherings tgt, smoked tgt, talked on the fone tgt, drank tgt, listened to music tgt, meet my frens tgt, sing ur fav songs for u, all these, when it became part of my life, to stop it, its almost an impossible task. or shld i say its practically impossible. till today, i sing ur fav songs to myself, telling myself ure happy. as always. and u've someone by ur side who'll take care of u now.
moving on, bit by bit, those times we spent tgt, it has all become a beautiful memory of mine. a memory that i'll nv 4get. and i'll use these memories, to accompany me thru a journey that seems so hard, so dark for me.
nevertheless, thanks for the memories u've given me. i remb telling u that i'll nv leave u even though we can only be frens. but i haf to apologise that i've failed to do so. becos i realise, the kind of life we used to haf, doesnt suit me at all. i was all along giving in, nv receiving. u taught me that a person shld give without expecting any returns. but to me, returning means a show of appreciation. it can be a very small thing like buying me a drink. which is why all along, i could not agree with not expecting any returns. thats not to say im expecting returns each time i do smth, but a simple smile on the face, could also be the return. this is smth we can nv agree with each other, and yes, parallel lines don meet.
a life so simple, thats all i've got. ive got not enough interested stuffs in life to giv u. its an interesting, exciting life that u haf. but i only got a boring life. a life that does the same thing again and again.
ahhhh. feeling so fresh now. getting things out of my chest. things that has bothered me. its just the right time that i got this urge to think things thru and spill everything out. a gd timing. becos liverpool's crunch match against barce is gonna start soon!
ha. gonna go out to watch the game. sadly, my hse got no scv....... alright. here i am, yet again, wishing u all the best. silently, in my heart, everynite, i'll do it. becos u were once part of my life, my everything. and i'd be lying if i say now, ure totally nothing to me. but knowing that ure happy, is the best return for me in letting go of everything we once shared.
nites to all. may pool win! cheers! happy new year to all! =D
I failed. 2:34 AM
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